food

i lwokey just eat even when im not hungry like why is it fun

where are things to do

ignore the blatant alex g reference

WHY IS THERE NOTHING ENTERTAINING ANYMORE

WHRRE HAS IT ALL GONE

YOUTUBES BORING

THERES NO GOOD TV SHOWS

OUTSIDE IS BORING

music is great

EVERYTHING ELSE IS BORING

ALL I CAN DO IS MINDLESSLY SCROLL THROUGH TIK TOK BUT ECEN THATS BORING

EVEGRURYEHING ISS BRORINN

notice

notice how people act when being called out for small inconsistencies

do they stay calm or do they get defensive, trying to make you seem crazy or over emotional and try to flip it back on you

it tells you a lot

on emotions

i feel so many emotions very quickly, thats why time feels like its so slow, it doesnt seem like it makes sense but it does to me

one second i can be feeling something so deeply, and then i stop and breathe for a moment and i completely switched, its like i never felt it, i say so many things in the heat of the moment, because thats how i feel at the time, i feel like i can leave forever, or i feel like i can keep trying, or i feel like i hate you, or i feel like i miss you, or i feel alone, or i feel happier than ever, all so quickly some just in the span of an hour maybe even half an hour

and i feel them so much, theyre so strong but i feel them all individually, once the feeling passes it feels like ive never felt that before, i never said the things i did, it just doesnt seem like a big deal to me and it doesnt seem real

its what causes me to say such harmful tthings to people or abandon them but also say the things i feel so deeply in my heart that i push down or the things i never have the strength to say

but once i dont feel it anymore it feels stupid, like it doesnt matter, but its still something i felt? did i feel it just because of the things happening around me or is it something i feel deeply in my heart

i think i just feel everything

i hate something so much but i can also see the beauty in it and why it can be loved so i love it so much, and its stupid i felt like i hated it before but then the next moment i hate it and its stupid i ever loved it before and it can happen for no reason whatsoever, just because time passes or because something small and insignificant happens

then i have big reactions i dont truly mean that i cant come back from

but i meant it in the moment

i felt it in the moment

so it did matter

but does it really matter if i stay in the cycle of thinking my feeling did matter and then not feeling it anymore and realising it wasnt that deep but then i feel it again and i feel the strength of the emotion i felt before and i realise i was wrong to doubt myself but then time passes and it repeats and keeps repeating

i dont know

socialisation

something i find REALLY hard is socialising, things have changed a LOT since primary but my brain hasnt learnt what everyone else has

i cannot start a single conversation and it only seems to work when im talking to people like me, the only people i really am able to talk to are the ones who are mainly silent but let me yap nonsense and add onto it themselves or just silently listen to me

its so hard now to just become friends with someone which is bad for me because i have isolated myself and made myself resent all my other friends for no reason, just the feeling that they hate me because they acted a little distant (hahah anxious attachment) and now things are SO DIFFERENT and everyone is terrifying id honestly rather be on my own than awkwardly attempt to communicate with people who i dont share interests with and who honestly bore me, i can complain about how lonely i am but honestly i chose to be like this, the people i DID like i either isolated myself during the incident or they detached from me now im on my own and i need to learn how to be and be okay with being on my own, like finding a new hobby! like this!!! this is a new hobby!!!!

come to think of it i made many bad decisions and brash decisions during the incident, its just what happens when i get attached, but if i didnt i wouldnt have gotten as far as i did, but then i wouldve hurt a whole lot less, i wonder how things wouldve been, would i have been happier? yes, was he worth it? i think he will be

i live on the hope of someones potencial, especially when theyve shown be how good they can be

SORRY WENT OFF TRACK AGAIN

one more thing...

i feel cheesy now writing all those nice notes to the little silly guy, he'll probably find it stupid but atleast i got how i feel out, even if it goes nowhere

ok ur free now

probably nothing related to

you know who

for a bit, like maybe until im sad again!! but like YAY!! ill say normal unboyrelated things thx!!!

im royally fucked (anxious and avoidant and how to heal apparently)

i have slim hope of actually talking to someone new

like i can try but i know if they dont act similar to yk who i just disappear

FUCK BRO

i just gotta give it time

i have such a shitty perception of time

that was one of the things I did wrong with the silly boy

hed not want to talk for a couple days which is FAIR AND REASONABLE everyone needs their space

but i just had absolutely nothing else to do when i wasnt talking to him that when i didnt it felt like so long, thats what's happening rn, its been like a week now since we properly talked and a DAY since i unadded him on everything (not blocked you CAN come back) and it feels like its been so painfully long, just because i have nothing to fill my time with because when i get attached to someone i isolate myself from everyone else, im learning to grow out of that and im planning on going out and socialising and reconnecting with my friends (see im attempting to get better unlike someone) just right now its a bit difficult, when you get so attached someone and they just vanish completely it feels like a piece of you has just been ripped off, i have a fluctuating attachment style depending on the person but with him i was anxious attachment, which i started attempting to heal in the end, but to me he was everything, i get into quick and very serious relationships platonic or romantic and i feel like if im not recieving constant validation or reassurance then the feelings have dissipated completely.

i believe when someone i like isnt actively talking to me it means they hate me and are going to leave me, which is a mindset im currently trying to grow out of.

that causes me, and other anxious attachment people to claw into the people were close to, almost suffocating them, we feel when things are going good we have to keep giving our maximum effort otherwise they dont have a reason to stay, the reason this doesnt work with avoidant attachment people is that avoidant attachment people have learned not to rely on anyone else, and tend to be independent, it can stem from a fear of rejection or heartbreak, they feel (i may be incorrect i have only recently been reading up on this) that the closer and more intense a relationship gets, the more vulnerable they become to being rejected or hurt, so they basically switch off all feeling towards the person and distance themselves to avoid getting hurt.

this is NOT GOOD if ur anxious attachment, you immediately assume that them pulling away is something youve done wrong, therefore causing you to frantically try and get reassurance and attention from the avoidant which in turn causes THEM to pull away more and more

the cycle eventually continues, the anxious slowly pulls away, causing the avoidant to feel like they regained their safety and their freedom, but after a while they come back, to see if ur still there, if ur feelings are still the same, which then makes the anxious think that the avoidant has come back for good, they may even PROMISE they will (haha first hand experience) but it will be nonstop unless you end it.

not to demonise avoidants because i know its a trauma response, but basically its all up to the anxious to do all the work, if you want things to work theres many things you can do

RECIPROCATE THEIR ENERGY

i know its hard but do all you can to remove them from your life, go non contact, it might take months but the avoidant will come back, to attempt to continue the cycle when they do this you must have your boundaries set up

SET YOUR BOUNDARIES

the avoidant might come back with something small like replying to your story, or just a simple check up. THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW IMMEDIATELY, you appreciate them checking up but let them know immediately that youre not interested in contacting them again, as friends or romantically unless they are planning to work to get better slowly, you will need to phrase this as GENTLY as possible as avoidants feel extremely attacked when they feel like theyve been told they did something wrong, they feel like theyre being rejected and it can relate back to their trauma!!!! personally i would keep it short but sweet (sbbabarina carpfuwbr)

smth like

hey i appreciate seeing you again, im going to be honest i dont feel like going back into this cycle where we start getting closer and you feel the urge or need to distance yourself, i am okay with talking with you again if you are willing to try and work with me slowly to try and break out of that cycle, but if you dont feel like you can currently or with me thats alright.

dont take it too literally cuz im still learning aswell

now if they say yes!!! yay!!!!

basically im going to keep this short but BOTH of you need to work

anxious attachment people, you need to learn that YOU ARE ENOUGH, you need to be secure in yourself, your constant need for reassurance and attention can cause you to be suffocating (coming from a recovering anxious attachment) you need to learn how to be on your own and GIVE YOUR PARTNER SPACE WHEN THEY NEED

avoidant attachment you need to try and fight the urge to run when things get too suffocating and learn to communicate WHEN you feel the urge to run,

avoidant people have a hard time letting their guard down as it can be used against them in the future, so this is for the anxious again but you need to try and gently get them to communicate how they feel, dont pressure them, dont make them feel like they have to.

USE CURIOSITY INSTEAD OF CONFRONTATION

let them know that its a safe space to express how they feel freely without any label.

instead of asking "Why do you keep pushing away?"

ask "before you start pulling away, what would you say goes on in your head?"

make it less confrontational, which can be hard for anxious attachment because they want REASONS but you will need to WORK for your reasons because some avoidant people cant explain why and they feel like theyre being attacked

say things like "hey ive noticed this pattern when things start too feel too intense i feel like you pull away, do you think thats true" dont tell them how THEYRE feeling because YOU DONT KNOW tell them what you think theyre doing (a mistake ive made many times im sorry silly boy) and it gives them room to express themselves freely

LET THEM KNOW THERE IS NO PRESSURE TO RESPOND IMMEDIATELY

example

"insert things that ive been noticing, and they make me feel unsure and i want to share them with you, no pressure to respond rn but i would like to hear if u think its fair i feel like that"

ANOTHER THING verbal love can "ick" avoidants out (i feel u) but that doesnt mean they dont want love, AVOIDANTS STILL CRAVE AND WANT LOVE theyre just scared of it, so indirect and little acts of love, like remembering something they said or liked, making them their favourite food, giving them small gifts is good

let them know that we all as people fall into patterns that protect us now but wont benefit us in the long run

AND AVOIDANTS. YOU HAVE TO DO SHIT TO. (heavily aimed if the silly guy ever returns) i apologise that was very confrontational 💔

if you truly do want things to work it will help if you attempt to notice and respond to when the other person is trying!

just the biggest thing ive got for avoidance is fight the urge to run, if it starts getting difficult again to stay, if you start feeling suffocated and trapped PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO COMMUNICATE IT!!! even if its just one sentence "i am feeling quite suffocated right now and i feel like things are moving fast" PLEASE TELL US, i know its so hard to get out but doing that will get you exactly what you want if the other person is WILLING TO WORK ASWELL

anxious, avoidants dont always have to be talking to you and need their space, try and be gentle and leave space for them to freely express how they feel, and dont tell them how they feel!!

avoidants, communicate as much as your able to with anxious attachment, try not to ignore them when you feel the need to run and instead let them know! recognise their attempts at trying and if you really want it to work realise that they are trying because they truly do want a long lasting connection, and people so willing to leave wouldnt put in copious amounts of effort and pain to make things work!!

it takes a lot of strength from both sides and it WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE AND FEEL WRONG but if you feel you truly have a connection with this person it is WORTH IT!!!!

sorru for the little lesson guys or whatevrt ive had a lot of free times (and i love a boy 💔💔💔 its like a curse)

message for silly boy, i really want things to work with you, other than the obvious attachment issues and a couple other things you are genuinely amazing, and i like to believe you do like me to you just dont trust me and i want to get to the point where YOU CAN because you are great and deserving of love!!!! idk if u think u arent or if ur just scared of getting hurt, but you literally told me yourself to just live in the moment, you said i overthink because i DID all i could think about was how it was gonna end, and im saying its not over until you tell me urself cuz im a persistent mf when i want smth as u KNOW and i genuinely want to work past this, doesnt even matter what we are youre just genuinely someone i know will understand me and i can trust and i want to be that for you TOO!!! i just have to hope and pray to whatever the fuck out there is listening that you truly have the strength to try, even if its not with me, one day

anyways thanks guys im so helpful and therapy and shit!!!!

FORGIVING AND NOT HOLDING RESENTMENT IS WHAT SETS YOU FREE

this blogging to an uncertain audience is really great

anyways

i tend to forgive everyone, even if i dont tell them, silent forgiveness is what lets you free of the thought of someone

you forgive them for what they do, know that they had their reasons and their own suffering and just believe it wasnt their intention to hurt you

just convince yourself everyone is a good person deep down and theyre just suffering and you cant help but feel pity for them

the best tactic is to leave and forgive, especially people who refuse to get better

ive always had this mindset so i find it easy

but the anger, resentment and sadness does come back from time

youll always want to know the true reason why someone treats you poorly but sadly youll never know, suffering people create suffering people, best you can do is be happy for the sake of yourself and the others around you

im so silly saying this considering i definitely dont spread positivity my depressed ass

i try my best, sometimes people dull my sparkle but i always come back

keep sparkling ong guys

to the silly boy again i forgive you, but im not gonna come back just yet, or maybe not at all until you do, i love you and i wont let you treat me like that because i do have to love myself more

i am AWEOSME

im having an odd moment of self love rn

I AM SO GREAT MAN

like its everyone elses loss

they just havent discovered me i am a hidden treasure

and now after the boy i will be even better because now i know what NOT to do if i pull another avoidant

i am lidoly the ideal perosn

not actually im still very fucked

i dont NEED a relationship i just kinda want one cuz like teenage love 💔💔

i just want connection bro like genuine connection not like a 1 month relationship where u date in the first 3 days

I WASTED SO MUCH TIME BRRRROOOOOOOOOOO

if i did allat just for him to never come back im so FUCKED

BLUDS SO UNPREDICTABLE I JUST GOTTA EXPECT THE WORST BRO 💔

hes never coming back and you need to move on

yes

maybe not get that close to anyone because my GOD

but you can meet new people im sureeee

im tlaking to myself lmfao

thjs is fun honestly

it makes me feel better cuz people might see this

im kinda counting on the creature reading allis because im basically saying what i want to say to him but i cant say to him cuz i left him all dramatically and thats really embarrassing if i just come back and im like heeeeeyyy

cuz i already know bro thinks the LOWEST of me which is fair but also NO

like why is ur bitch ass mad i love u like grow up

wairnsorry

DONT AORRY HOMEY CUZ NOTHING EVER BOTHERSS MEEEE

YOU JUTS BE THE FLOWER AND ILL GE THE GODDAMN BEEEEE

osrry i like this song

this has devolved into a rant about the boy again i am pathetic

hah thats funny cuz THATS WHAT HE CALLED ME

yeah i DIDNT FORGET

i actually remember ALL THE BAD THINGS U SAID TO ME U CUNT

but its ok i do the same

u just were tryna push me away and it worrked!!!!!

pls come back💔

i can totally come to u i just gotta give it time so im less pathetic 💔💔💔

or maybe ill move on if i give it enough time yk!!!!!

ugh why r the best people so complicated

i havent given up yet i have a slither of hope that will be crushed once it reaches like more than a month no contact

im coming back before ur birthday tho be forewarned. (if u even see this before then)

my friends (or lack of) would be so disappointed in me 💔💔

i just gotta pray nobody actually cares enough to LOOK at my instagram profile and then go click on a link and then another and then read paragraph apon paragraph of nothing

i dont know why i have hope cuz i know DAMNNN well the boy will NOT do that like he could hardly even handle a small paragraph of me tryna ask him not to ignore me (i know u saw them u sideswiping cunt u just didnt read them im not slow)

ugh i wish he would just actually read what i said i wrote a whole big ass paragraph and i thought it out and everything, i made sure it didn't seem confrontational, it didnt seem like i was attacking him, i FIT AS MUCH IN in as small of a paragraph and i even put an emoji at the end so hed know i was being light hearted and non confrontational and i told him he DIDNT have to reply but he didnt even READ the thing, he was already ignoring me anyways but he saw big paragraph and went!

oh! oh no!!! im so scared!!!! the consequences of me being a piece of shit!!!

and bro ONLY chose to reply when i gave up, like bitch ass only chooses to reply when its the bad things

come to think of it whenever i brought up ANYTHING upsetting me hed just make it into me being dramatic or me attacking him and would immediately argue, maybe i dont want someone so emotionally unintelligent and completely uncaring of the emotions and feelings of someone who loves them

i remember i said i missed him cuz he was always asleep or smth and bro flipped it on me and said i was always sleeping (at night mind you) and turned it into an argument and i had to end it

how do u turn me MISSING you into an argument like bro JUST READ "i miss u" and go i miss u too or like say i like sleeping or smth

maybe things wouldnt work, because honestly i dont think hes the type of person to work with me to try and communicate like i think the way communication should be is

"hey you doing insert thing is making ME FEEL insert emotions and i would like to work with you to try and either fix this issue or for you to explain why you believe i may be overreacting"

and they should respond either

"im sorry that insert action was making you feel insert emotion i would love to try and work towards mending that behaviour and i would like you to please remind or tell me when im making you feel like that"

or

"i believe that you feeling insert emotions to me insert actions is not really fair because insert reason but i recognise that it upsets you and im sorry"

or something along those lines

but only in a perfect world i guess where everyone isnt emotionally unavailable and shut off!! how r u fucks so TRAUMATISED like thats why i cant be mad because what went SO WRONG to get u to this point, and thats your motivation to get better, to stop whatever caused you to be like that from repeating and causing others to become like you, that should be a good enough reason to work to get better but i guess some people really just dont care

but what i dont get is why people the boy say they do care but then they dont want to work to get better

like i love you and when you say you care about me but dont want to try and work towards getting better with me it makes me feel like you dont really care

(thats a way of expressing something stably by the way, instead of i love you BUT say i love you AND because nothing should disrupt love, just when they do a certain thing it makes you feel a certain way)

SEE IM SO GOOD AT COMMUNICATING YET I CANT GET ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO GROW AND GET BETTER WITH ME AND LEARN HOW TO HEALTHILY ACCEPT AND EXPRESS EMOTIONS

BROOOOOOOOOO

LIFE IS SO AHRD

hi silly boy if youre reading this maybe although probably not, i really hope you can get to the point where you can comfortably express emotions, and eventually get to a point where you feel like you dont need to push love away, i loved you and no matter if i end up hating you i did love you so you still matter and i want you to feel the love i tried to show you comfortably and without feeling trapped, or get the exact level of love you want, even if its not from me, call me if you want to try again for real, none of that back and forth business

anyways guys that devolved into a lesson on how to healthily express emotions to ur loved ones! youre welcome? i guess that links back to the theme cuz arent i so great

i have so many great thoughts and actions in my head but nobody who accepts or who can understand them its a struggle

IM SORRY

i feel bad talking about the boy because i know he doesnt like me talking about him and there's a small chance HE will read this maybe possibly but i can literally ONLY move on if i talk about things plus its not like im like name dropping or anything 💔💔💔

look lil guy if u DO read this let me cope 💔💔💔💔

get mad all u want cuz thats like all ur good at or whatever or just like shoo if u dont read it then it doesnt exist

but i am MAD in all fairness

as much as a dickhead he was he was so UNIQUE

like where the fuck am i gonna come across another critter like that again so uniquely amazing yet so fucking infuriating and confusing i have never met someone who has made me so confused in such a short amount of time like what THE HELL

AND HELLOOOOO bros so mysterious

like ok aura ig

or hes hididng a lot and ik he is

BUT BUT BUT where tf am i gonna find a silly mysterious little unique guy in FUCKING WEYMOUTH

but like his loss cuz like im also silly and unique

not very mysterious but i am GREAT

and less clingy and annoying now after that dickhead

bro gave me a reality check ong

but bro literally needs one himself

aw i love him

but i HATE him

like dont come back but at the same time pls dooo

like give me a month i need to recover that shit was rough 💔

like how do i attract like the PERFECT people who are also the worst

but all things considered hes the only one i have attracted that im aware of💔

life is so hard bro

i think i just gotta be alone now my standards are too high but also so fucking low at the same time

i can forgive manipulation and emotional torture practically but when theyre not silly and stupid i draw the line

like i judge a person based off the bloody emojis they use

also i SAWEAR BRO WANTED ME FIRST or like reached out to me first

why he gotta do this mysterious disappearing shit💔💔

i know its cuz that avoidant attachment thing and LOWKEY we couldve or can work but hes also gotta try like ☹️☹️☹️💔💔

stop running away when things get too serious for too long maybe buster

ugh

nah but same dude its okay 💔💔

but also its not fuck you

i NEED to hate him otherwise i cant move on

cant let blud know i still fw him cuz im the one who left 💔💔

we never even dated💔💔💔💔 but idrc cuz the emotions were still there

BUT I WAS BASICALLY FORCED TO LEAVE BRO

LIKE WHAT DO U EXPECT

U CANT JUST ABANDON SOMEONE WITH ABANDONMENT ISSUES THATS RETARDED

but its not his fault or thats what ill keep telling myself

i will just believe that he does or did love me hes just really scared of commitment or thinks he doesnt deserve love or smth so he pulls away when it gets too serious 💔💔💔 until he tells me otherwise

BUT I KNOW HE CAN GIVE ME WHAT I WANT BECAUSE WE WANT THE SAME THINGS I THINK

i can literally give him space now ong now i have the blog i wont tweak out 💔💔💔

ugh

why do i have a eureka moment after ive abandoned him

oh well its up to him now if he wants to try that shit again cuz im not wasting my time just for him to pull the same shit its like a bloody seesaw up and down up and down like pick a side u avoidant cunt

love him to bits tho hes great and very awesome i dont hate him we are both just very mentally ill and i hope to see his return if he ever wants to try

but that doesnt mean i wont move on guys

yk maybe ill socialise!!!

maybe

attachment issues

HOOOOOW do u fix attachment issues bro

like someone can show me like the most minimal bit of attention and i will immediately love them

tbats what happened with the boy!!!

sorry gng 💔

but like i havent been attached to anyone else and if i just dont talk to anyone new it wont happen again so like we win

GDIAHSJS

IM SORRY IM NOT STROOONG

IM NOT LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS

YEA I WONT GET ALONG

I WONT TALK TO THEM IM SORRY

HES ALWAYS AROUND

sometimes he touches me 💔💔

BUT I DONT REALLY MIND

ITS NICW TO KNOW SOMEBODY LOVES MEEE

music is so great

i swear music is like the only thing that keeps me sane, like i will crash out fr if im in dead silence or out with no music like how does one even function

i reckon if you took music away from everyone there would be an increased suicide rate

i didnt even know there was good music until a couple months back thank you to the boy for the music its also very annoying cuz now even my music is infected but atleast its good music

i love music

like all music is great

like even the fucking brum and bass

i can listen to it all

i used to listen to such gay music but i still catch myself listening to it sometimes

it sucks because i use music as a love language aswell so u gotta make sure u dont link the good songs to the wrong people otherwise listening to the songs is a painful experience

i wish i was this good at talking in real life but i suppose its not talking its just me yapping

sometimes i miss having someone to yap to but its less of a hassle cuz then if ur talking to a ghost audience then u dont rlly worry about annoying people especially when theyre reading out of their own free will

i miss the boy but i made this decision for my wellbeing and his so cant go back now💔💔

itll be worth it anyways i can get better and maybe we will meet again

we probably will

im not gonna be over this properly for a bit expect many mentions of the boy

i fear i was being a little dramatic

i dont feel bad anymore so i feel silly re-reading my sad blog post, oh well ill relate to it when im feeling sad again

but i dont feel sad rn cuz im like freely yapping with no care and it feels like i might be talking to someone because someone MIGHT read this

its really sad if you think about it but like if you think about it extra its smart because its like a good like therapy or whatever, i just have to be careful not to say anything too harmful when i am feeling upset cuz i have a tendency of saying things i dont mean when im upset or over exaggerating

i also have a tendency of over explaining 💔💔

!!!

i actually fucking love doing this i only remembered blogs existed and this solves all my problems!!

WHAT BLOGGING SOLVES

the desire to get my thoughts out, i have so many and theyre so spontaneous and disorganised depending on my mood like half the shit i say in my sad blogs i dont even relate to when im not sad but ill come back!

not having to talk to anyone directly, i can get my thoughts out and not have to worry about annoying anyone!! and youre not allowed to judge me because you came here willingly

i dont know if anyones reading or not, so i dont have to worry about what i say as long as its not anything horrendous that will absolutely destroy my reputation,

if u wanna know how im feeling without having to ask me directly you can just check here!!! eliminates the awkwardness of actually communicating but if u actually care then u can see whats up with me!!!

i can post as much as i like without care because its MY blog, and again youre reading this willingly!

i can organise my disorganised thoughts, which helps when im not sad so i can see what i was upset about in the first place

yay for me!!!

My favourite alex g songs

MY FAVOURITE ALEX G SONGS!!!

this is very important guys little heart means i like them a LOT!!

UNRELEASED and also other

shark 🩷

go away

fix (stephanie is also mentioned in crab)

nothing

scar tattoo 🩷

punk

the cult of lord jesus h christ

world/insured 🩷

tunnel

bees 🩷

sally 🩷

my name is pierson

saw

spraypaint 🩷

not really 

medication 🩷

anne (acoustic demo)

mystery long

written in blood 🩷(i like to play not anywhere after this because its the last thing he says)

not anywhere

nuts

track 7 🩷

track 10 🩷

track 17 (treehouse instrumental!) 

fay

mis (acoustic demo)

molly 🩷

bike

screwy people 🩷

east coast 🩷

not really

treehouse 🩷

something 2B 🩷

uh 🩷

hit

child's play

the cutie 🩷

maybe baby 🩷

chinese melodies

krying 🩷

you are great

skating 🩷

hole in the ground

change my mind

scared

(i love basically all of monsterhead)

zuicide 🩷

i remember you

what does it mean

dreem machine

bailey needs boots

oh baby baby 🩷

im not like the other girls 🩷

tie me down 🩷

2day is the day

the voices

adam

animal friends

bludd

hitting so hard

freedom 🩷

dust 🩷

math

sometimes

explain

break

RELEASED!!!

trash 🩷

tv

crab

race

gnaw 🩷

sandy

mis

new 🩷

rules

fighting 🩷

message 🩷

animals

change

sarah 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

16 mirrors

clouds

people 🩷

kute 🩷

black hair

harvey

soaker

boy

after ur gone

look out

salt

snot🩷

bug

mud 🩷

brite boy 🩷

bobby

alina 🩷

brick 🩷

sum secret 🩷

i love all the skin cells tracks 🩷🩷

rant #1

!!IMPORTANT!!

these are just my thoughts, i make these open to read for the small chance anyone feels the same, im here, i know what you're going through, and even if you dont wanna talk, i hope it brings comfort knowing youre not the only one suffering

they also may just be stupid sometimes 

i recommend reading this if you have some level of emotional awareness and empathy (if ur not gonna call it emo for any slow people reading thx everyone gets sad)

-

-

-

-

-

sometimes

i close my eyes to pray for a sleep i wont wake from

i wouldnt have to live each meaningless day

the same day over and over again

i wish i could claw my way out of my skin

remove any thought or feeling entirely

i so painfully dream of a world where i could bear to stay awake

where i dont have to rely on my own thoughts to keep myself sane

the very same thoughts that make me want to scoop the brains out of my skull

i dont know what went so wrong to make each day so unbearably mundane

there's nothing 

nobody 

no distractions to calm my thoughts

just me and my brain

the same brain that wants me gone

and i cant explain why i feel this way

i dont want to do this forever 

i dont want to be living the same day forever

over and over again

nobody who truly cares

nobody who will stay

nobody who loves me

i just want to be loved

but how can somebody love me when i can hardly stand myself

i constantly crave connection 

validation 

its all i need but its all i never seem to get

i dont know how to get it

i dont know how to talk to people

i dont know how to keep people from leaving me

i dont know how to make new connections after i lose the old ones

it feels like just a year ago i was so okay 

but thats because i obviously surrounded myself with people who dont truly care

people who will leave the second i need help

the second i need their true support 

true connection 

i dont care to find anything knew because i know itll be gone in the blink of an eye

even when i do have it all that consumes me is the thought of them leaving

it causes me to dig my nails into them

suffocate them until they cant breathe

and then they leave

and they think the worst of me

i try so hard to be kind

i try so hard to be someone everyone likes

someone everyone can trust

everyone can turn to

because everyone deserves love

even the shittiest people deserve love because theyre the ones who get it the least

but my love is too much

or too little

its either consuming mine and their whole being

or its nothing

im nothing

i dont see a future in me

i used to

i used to have such big dreams

i used to try so hard

but it got me nothing 

i watched as all the kids around me, the ones who never worked hard, the ones who put theirselves first

they got everything 

rewarded for the bare minimum 

when all i ever gave was all i was

i gave my whole soul

and now thats what they expect 

now that i cant give it they dont want me anymore

they just expect me to go back to how i was before

but how can anyone get rid of such a feeling of pure loneliness 

of pure utter emptiness 

i feel nothing yet i just feel everything at the same time

some days i feel it all, i do too much and i suffocate everyone, every emotion and thought ive ever had spews out of me like a crack opening in a dam

but other days i cant form a single sentence 

best i can let out is a simple "i dont know"

because the truth is i dont know

i dont know why im sad

the smallest things make me so sad

and theres too many small things

but when i have one good thing, even the bare minimum 

it makes me forget it all

and then it vanishes 

and i end up falling deeper and deeper into the emptiness i was in before

so whats the point of searching for that happiness when its just going to vanish and leave me even worse than before

i isolated myself from everyone, my friends, my family

i believe they all hate me

im just a burden

my grief and suffering is just a burden on everyone around me

so they leave me

or i have to leave them to make sure they dont suffer

but other days its everyone elses fault

ive been trying so hard to be everything that everyone wants

so many different versions of me

and they cant be greatful for one

they only miss it once its gone

once i gave up on searching for their validation 

its everyone elses fault for rejecting  me

for leaving me

but then its my fault for isolating myself

why cant i just be happy and careless

why do i worry so much

its only when i truly feel happy for a moment 

or when i run out of distractions 

silence is the worst

its when i remember everything

everything i was

everything i lost

everything i will never be

everything ill never have because i ruined all my chances

i cant stand being on my own yet being around people is so unbelievably unbearable 

there was only one person who i could bear to be around because he was like me

he understood 

yet he was worse than me

he was hurting me and he knew it

i still believe he didnt want to

hes just hurting 

he was the only boy to not look at me with disgust 

he treated me poorly, like i was below him

but he still loved me

even if he convinces himself he doesn't 

he wouldnt have stayed so long and worked so hard if he didnt

i mean the boy doesnt even leave the house for school 

but i made him come out to see me

after months of work

but sadly hes just like me

the love was too real

getting too strong and serious 

and the fear of true heartbreak comes seeping in

you start detaching yourself so you wont feel the pain of them leaving 

since you already feel nothing towards them

but it comes back

and it hurts

when you realise how much you lost because you were scared of what might happen

atleast thats what i assume

or hope about him

makes me feel less mad at him

makes me feel like i didnt waste my time

he cant accept love because it feels suffocating, he feels trapped like theres no way to leave because hes in too deep, and he knows itll hurt when it ends

and i feel the same

when i recieve love i hate it

i hate being held

yet its all i want

it felt right when he held me

i hate being told kind things

i hate being loved

yet its all i want

but when i get it i push it away

and i miss it

now i know what its like to be on the other end

to give your all to someone just for them to push it away

i dont hate him for it because i will forever see the good in people

the reasons they might act the way they do

because ill always understand

but im so sick of this cycle

craving love yet pushing it away

giving love and it being rejected or them running away from my love

why am i like this

what went wrong

my life isnt that bad

why am i suffering so much

its all in my head

all my problems i make up in my head

i know i do yet i let them consume me

i am ruining my own life

i just want to sleep constantly 

then i can skip the unbearable days

i can escape to a reality i want to live in

i just want to sleep yet its what im unable to do

its like torture 

my own mind and body is torturing me

but what did i do wrong

living is unbearable and i know life will be like this forever 

an unending cycle of doing the same things everyday

talking to no one

listening to the same songs

doing the same thing over and over and over and over until you eventually die

love is the only thing in life that makes it worth it

connection is the only thing that makes it bearable 

people are so spontaneous 

they make things different 

they make things difficult 

but thats what makes life better

even when its difficult atleast its something new

but nobody ever stays

nothing lasts

i live by the hope that one day i will get that

one day ill have a connection that will last

i wouldnt end it myself until i genuinely cant bear it

i still have time to get better

i still have time to not hate living in this body

on this fucking stupid cruel planet

full of people with their own individual complex emotions 

once i learn i dont have to be the ones to help them

the one to show everyone care because i know what its like to have nobody

so i feel like i have to be everybodys somebody

so much i ended up alone

i cant bear being alone

yet its all i want to do anymore 

and the only people i could bear just left me, or i left them because i outgrew them or they were just like me

i think meeting someone just like you can really fuck with you

i dont think he realises how alike we are

maybe one day hell get the chance

but thats only if hes willing to work to get better and to do things that will make him uncomfortable 

but i dont want to force him to do that

i dont think he cares about me that much to work that hard

he could hardly even acknowledge my emotions when i told them to him

partly because i assume he thought it was an attack on him

i wish i could help him, i tried to word things differently so it seemed like less of an attack 

and so i was able to communicate my emotions without him running 

but hes not mine to fix and he never was

ill still love him to death tho because there will always be parts of him that are parts of me now

i stole a bunch of shit from him so theres no way to really get rid of the thought of him

and the only way to really move on is to not block him out but accept the thought of him but not mourn or get angry

i hope me ranting about that might help any of you going through similar 

move on, unless theyre willing to work, if you have to force them to try and work to be better too much its never gonna work

ive calmed myself down now honestly 

writing your thoughts down is a good way to get them out

even if its to a pretend audience or even just for yourself

ill update this occasionally 

i wont put any personal information in this obviously 

also if said boy who i mentioned is reading this you're probably either mad or maybe you finally took in the things i had attempted to tell you many times! call me sometime but only if you actually wanna try, im not wasting my time

anyways ive gotten less emo now and if youve actually read all this good fucking job you have the patience and hopefully care of a saint

dont reach out to me honestly if you do read this, it just makes me feel better honestly just the thought that someone might know how i feel, reaching out to me about this WILL make it worse, and if youre one of the annoying people who will spread this around, good job you are REAL sad and i could not give less of a shit considering this is public access anyways

ill update again sometime when im feeling self loathing