rant #1

!!IMPORTANT!!

these are just my thoughts, i make these open to read for the small chance anyone feels the same, im here, i know what you're going through, and even if you dont wanna talk, i hope it brings comfort knowing youre not the only one suffering

they also may just be stupid sometimes 

i recommend reading this if you have some level of emotional awareness and empathy (if ur not gonna call it emo for any slow people reading thx everyone gets sad)

-

-

-

-

-

sometimes

i close my eyes to pray for a sleep i wont wake from

i wouldnt have to live each meaningless day

the same day over and over again

i wish i could claw my way out of my skin

remove any thought or feeling entirely

i so painfully dream of a world where i could bear to stay awake

where i dont have to rely on my own thoughts to keep myself sane

the very same thoughts that make me want to scoop the brains out of my skull

i dont know what went so wrong to make each day so unbearably mundane

there's nothing 

nobody 

no distractions to calm my thoughts

just me and my brain

the same brain that wants me gone

and i cant explain why i feel this way

i dont want to do this forever 

i dont want to be living the same day forever

over and over again

nobody who truly cares

nobody who will stay

nobody who loves me

i just want to be loved

but how can somebody love me when i can hardly stand myself

i constantly crave connection 

validation 

its all i need but its all i never seem to get

i dont know how to get it

i dont know how to talk to people

i dont know how to keep people from leaving me

i dont know how to make new connections after i lose the old ones

it feels like just a year ago i was so okay 

but thats because i obviously surrounded myself with people who dont truly care

people who will leave the second i need help

the second i need their true support 

true connection 

i dont care to find anything knew because i know itll be gone in the blink of an eye

even when i do have it all that consumes me is the thought of them leaving

it causes me to dig my nails into them

suffocate them until they cant breathe

and then they leave

and they think the worst of me

i try so hard to be kind

i try so hard to be someone everyone likes

someone everyone can trust

everyone can turn to

because everyone deserves love

even the shittiest people deserve love because theyre the ones who get it the least

but my love is too much

or too little

its either consuming mine and their whole being

or its nothing

im nothing

i dont see a future in me

i used to

i used to have such big dreams

i used to try so hard

but it got me nothing 

i watched as all the kids around me, the ones who never worked hard, the ones who put theirselves first

they got everything 

rewarded for the bare minimum 

when all i ever gave was all i was

i gave my whole soul

and now thats what they expect 

now that i cant give it they dont want me anymore

they just expect me to go back to how i was before

but how can anyone get rid of such a feeling of pure loneliness 

of pure utter emptiness 

i feel nothing yet i just feel everything at the same time

some days i feel it all, i do too much and i suffocate everyone, every emotion and thought ive ever had spews out of me like a crack opening in a dam

but other days i cant form a single sentence 

best i can let out is a simple "i dont know"

because the truth is i dont know

i dont know why im sad

the smallest things make me so sad

and theres too many small things

but when i have one good thing, even the bare minimum 

it makes me forget it all

and then it vanishes 

and i end up falling deeper and deeper into the emptiness i was in before

so whats the point of searching for that happiness when its just going to vanish and leave me even worse than before

i isolated myself from everyone, my friends, my family

i believe they all hate me

im just a burden

my grief and suffering is just a burden on everyone around me

so they leave me

or i have to leave them to make sure they dont suffer

but other days its everyone elses fault

ive been trying so hard to be everything that everyone wants

so many different versions of me

and they cant be greatful for one

they only miss it once its gone

once i gave up on searching for their validation 

its everyone elses fault for rejecting  me

for leaving me

but then its my fault for isolating myself

why cant i just be happy and careless

why do i worry so much

its only when i truly feel happy for a moment 

or when i run out of distractions 

silence is the worst

its when i remember everything

everything i was

everything i lost

everything i will never be

everything ill never have because i ruined all my chances

i cant stand being on my own yet being around people is so unbelievably unbearable 

there was only one person who i could bear to be around because he was like me

he understood 

yet he was worse than me

he was hurting me and he knew it

i still believe he didnt want to

hes just hurting 

he was the only boy to not look at me with disgust 

he treated me poorly, like i was below him

but he still loved me

even if he convinces himself he doesn't 

he wouldnt have stayed so long and worked so hard if he didnt

i mean the boy doesnt even leave the house for school 

but i made him come out to see me

after months of work

but sadly hes just like me

the love was too real

getting too strong and serious 

and the fear of true heartbreak comes seeping in

you start detaching yourself so you wont feel the pain of them leaving 

since you already feel nothing towards them

but it comes back

and it hurts

when you realise how much you lost because you were scared of what might happen

atleast thats what i assume

or hope about him

makes me feel less mad at him

makes me feel like i didnt waste my time

he cant accept love because it feels suffocating, he feels trapped like theres no way to leave because hes in too deep, and he knows itll hurt when it ends

and i feel the same

when i recieve love i hate it

i hate being held

yet its all i want

it felt right when he held me

i hate being told kind things

i hate being loved

yet its all i want

but when i get it i push it away

and i miss it

now i know what its like to be on the other end

to give your all to someone just for them to push it away

i dont hate him for it because i will forever see the good in people

the reasons they might act the way they do

because ill always understand

but im so sick of this cycle

craving love yet pushing it away

giving love and it being rejected or them running away from my love

why am i like this

what went wrong

my life isnt that bad

why am i suffering so much

its all in my head

all my problems i make up in my head

i know i do yet i let them consume me

i am ruining my own life

i just want to sleep constantly 

then i can skip the unbearable days

i can escape to a reality i want to live in

i just want to sleep yet its what im unable to do

its like torture 

my own mind and body is torturing me

but what did i do wrong

living is unbearable and i know life will be like this forever 

an unending cycle of doing the same things everyday

talking to no one

listening to the same songs

doing the same thing over and over and over and over until you eventually die

love is the only thing in life that makes it worth it

connection is the only thing that makes it bearable 

people are so spontaneous 

they make things different 

they make things difficult 

but thats what makes life better

even when its difficult atleast its something new

but nobody ever stays

nothing lasts

i live by the hope that one day i will get that

one day ill have a connection that will last

i wouldnt end it myself until i genuinely cant bear it

i still have time to get better

i still have time to not hate living in this body

on this fucking stupid cruel planet

full of people with their own individual complex emotions 

once i learn i dont have to be the ones to help them

the one to show everyone care because i know what its like to have nobody

so i feel like i have to be everybodys somebody

so much i ended up alone

i cant bear being alone

yet its all i want to do anymore 

and the only people i could bear just left me, or i left them because i outgrew them or they were just like me

i think meeting someone just like you can really fuck with you

i dont think he realises how alike we are

maybe one day hell get the chance

but thats only if hes willing to work to get better and to do things that will make him uncomfortable 

but i dont want to force him to do that

i dont think he cares about me that much to work that hard

he could hardly even acknowledge my emotions when i told them to him

partly because i assume he thought it was an attack on him

i wish i could help him, i tried to word things differently so it seemed like less of an attack 

and so i was able to communicate my emotions without him running 

but hes not mine to fix and he never was

ill still love him to death tho because there will always be parts of him that are parts of me now

i stole a bunch of shit from him so theres no way to really get rid of the thought of him

and the only way to really move on is to not block him out but accept the thought of him but not mourn or get angry

i hope me ranting about that might help any of you going through similar 

move on, unless theyre willing to work, if you have to force them to try and work to be better too much its never gonna work

ive calmed myself down now honestly 

writing your thoughts down is a good way to get them out

even if its to a pretend audience or even just for yourself

ill update this occasionally 

i wont put any personal information in this obviously 

also if said boy who i mentioned is reading this you're probably either mad or maybe you finally took in the things i had attempted to tell you many times! call me sometime but only if you actually wanna try, im not wasting my time

anyways ive gotten less emo now and if youve actually read all this good fucking job you have the patience and hopefully care of a saint

dont reach out to me honestly if you do read this, it just makes me feel better honestly just the thought that someone might know how i feel, reaching out to me about this WILL make it worse, and if youre one of the annoying people who will spread this around, good job you are REAL sad and i could not give less of a shit considering this is public access anyways

ill update again sometime when im feeling self loathing