i am AWEOSME

im having an odd moment of self love rn

I AM SO GREAT MAN

like its everyone elses loss

they just havent discovered me i am a hidden treasure

and now after the boy i will be even better because now i know what NOT to do if i pull another avoidant

i am lidoly the ideal perosn

not actually im still very fucked

i dont NEED a relationship i just kinda want one cuz like teenage love 💔💔

i just want connection bro like genuine connection not like a 1 month relationship where u date in the first 3 days

I WASTED SO MUCH TIME BRRRROOOOOOOOOOO

if i did allat just for him to never come back im so FUCKED

BLUDS SO UNPREDICTABLE I JUST GOTTA EXPECT THE WORST BRO 💔

hes never coming back and you need to move on

yes

maybe not get that close to anyone because my GOD

but you can meet new people im sureeee

im tlaking to myself lmfao

thjs is fun honestly

it makes me feel better cuz people might see this

im kinda counting on the creature reading allis because im basically saying what i want to say to him but i cant say to him cuz i left him all dramatically and thats really embarrassing if i just come back and im like heeeeeyyy

cuz i already know bro thinks the LOWEST of me which is fair but also NO

like why is ur bitch ass mad i love u like grow up

wairnsorry

DONT AORRY HOMEY CUZ NOTHING EVER BOTHERSS MEEEE

YOU JUTS BE THE FLOWER AND ILL GE THE GODDAMN BEEEEE

osrry i like this song

this has devolved into a rant about the boy again i am pathetic

hah thats funny cuz THATS WHAT HE CALLED ME

yeah i DIDNT FORGET

i actually remember ALL THE BAD THINGS U SAID TO ME U CUNT

but its ok i do the same

u just were tryna push me away and it worrked!!!!!

pls come back💔

i can totally come to u i just gotta give it time so im less pathetic 💔💔💔

or maybe ill move on if i give it enough time yk!!!!!

ugh why r the best people so complicated

i havent given up yet i have a slither of hope that will be crushed once it reaches like more than a month no contact

im coming back before ur birthday tho be forewarned. (if u even see this before then)

my friends (or lack of) would be so disappointed in me 💔💔

i just gotta pray nobody actually cares enough to LOOK at my instagram profile and then go click on a link and then another and then read paragraph apon paragraph of nothing

i dont know why i have hope cuz i know DAMNNN well the boy will NOT do that like he could hardly even handle a small paragraph of me tryna ask him not to ignore me (i know u saw them u sideswiping cunt u just didnt read them im not slow)

ugh i wish he would just actually read what i said i wrote a whole big ass paragraph and i thought it out and everything, i made sure it didn't seem confrontational, it didnt seem like i was attacking him, i FIT AS MUCH IN in as small of a paragraph and i even put an emoji at the end so hed know i was being light hearted and non confrontational and i told him he DIDNT have to reply but he didnt even READ the thing, he was already ignoring me anyways but he saw big paragraph and went!

oh! oh no!!! im so scared!!!! the consequences of me being a piece of shit!!!

and bro ONLY chose to reply when i gave up, like bitch ass only chooses to reply when its the bad things

come to think of it whenever i brought up ANYTHING upsetting me hed just make it into me being dramatic or me attacking him and would immediately argue, maybe i dont want someone so emotionally unintelligent and completely uncaring of the emotions and feelings of someone who loves them

i remember i said i missed him cuz he was always asleep or smth and bro flipped it on me and said i was always sleeping (at night mind you) and turned it into an argument and i had to end it

how do u turn me MISSING you into an argument like bro JUST READ "i miss u" and go i miss u too or like say i like sleeping or smth

maybe things wouldnt work, because honestly i dont think hes the type of person to work with me to try and communicate like i think the way communication should be is

"hey you doing insert thing is making ME FEEL insert emotions and i would like to work with you to try and either fix this issue or for you to explain why you believe i may be overreacting"

and they should respond either

"im sorry that insert action was making you feel insert emotion i would love to try and work towards mending that behaviour and i would like you to please remind or tell me when im making you feel like that"

or

"i believe that you feeling insert emotions to me insert actions is not really fair because insert reason but i recognise that it upsets you and im sorry"

or something along those lines

but only in a perfect world i guess where everyone isnt emotionally unavailable and shut off!! how r u fucks so TRAUMATISED like thats why i cant be mad because what went SO WRONG to get u to this point, and thats your motivation to get better, to stop whatever caused you to be like that from repeating and causing others to become like you, that should be a good enough reason to work to get better but i guess some people really just dont care

but what i dont get is why people the boy say they do care but then they dont want to work to get better

like i love you and when you say you care about me but dont want to try and work towards getting better with me it makes me feel like you dont really care

(thats a way of expressing something stably by the way, instead of i love you BUT say i love you AND because nothing should disrupt love, just when they do a certain thing it makes you feel a certain way)

SEE IM SO GOOD AT COMMUNICATING YET I CANT GET ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO GROW AND GET BETTER WITH ME AND LEARN HOW TO HEALTHILY ACCEPT AND EXPRESS EMOTIONS

BROOOOOOOOOO

LIFE IS SO AHRD

hi silly boy if youre reading this maybe although probably not, i really hope you can get to the point where you can comfortably express emotions, and eventually get to a point where you feel like you dont need to push love away, i loved you and no matter if i end up hating you i did love you so you still matter and i want you to feel the love i tried to show you comfortably and without feeling trapped, or get the exact level of love you want, even if its not from me, call me if you want to try again for real, none of that back and forth business

anyways guys that devolved into a lesson on how to healthily express emotions to ur loved ones! youre welcome? i guess that links back to the theme cuz arent i so great

i have so many great thoughts and actions in my head but nobody who accepts or who can understand them its a struggle