i have slim hope of actually talking to someone new
like i can try but i know if they dont act similar to yk who i just disappear
FUCK BRO
i just gotta give it time
i have such a shitty perception of time
that was one of the things I did wrong with the silly boy
hed not want to talk for a couple days which is FAIR AND REASONABLE everyone needs their space
but i just had absolutely nothing else to do when i wasnt talking to him that when i didnt it felt like so long, thats what's happening rn, its been like a week now since we properly talked and a DAY since i unadded him on everything (not blocked you CAN come back) and it feels like its been so painfully long, just because i have nothing to fill my time with because when i get attached to someone i isolate myself from everyone else, im learning to grow out of that and im planning on going out and socialising and reconnecting with my friends (see im attempting to get better unlike someone) just right now its a bit difficult, when you get so attached someone and they just vanish completely it feels like a piece of you has just been ripped off, i have a fluctuating attachment style depending on the person but with him i was anxious attachment, which i started attempting to heal in the end, but to me he was everything, i get into quick and very serious relationships platonic or romantic and i feel like if im not recieving constant validation or reassurance then the feelings have dissipated completely.
i believe when someone i like isnt actively talking to me it means they hate me and are going to leave me, which is a mindset im currently trying to grow out of.
that causes me, and other anxious attachment people to claw into the people were close to, almost suffocating them, we feel when things are going good we have to keep giving our maximum effort otherwise they dont have a reason to stay, the reason this doesnt work with avoidant attachment people is that avoidant attachment people have learned not to rely on anyone else, and tend to be independent, it can stem from a fear of rejection or heartbreak, they feel (i may be incorrect i have only recently been reading up on this) that the closer and more intense a relationship gets, the more vulnerable they become to being rejected or hurt, so they basically switch off all feeling towards the person and distance themselves to avoid getting hurt.
this is NOT GOOD if ur anxious attachment, you immediately assume that them pulling away is something youve done wrong, therefore causing you to frantically try and get reassurance and attention from the avoidant which in turn causes THEM to pull away more and more
the cycle eventually continues, the anxious slowly pulls away, causing the avoidant to feel like they regained their safety and their freedom, but after a while they come back, to see if ur still there, if ur feelings are still the same, which then makes the anxious think that the avoidant has come back for good, they may even PROMISE they will (haha first hand experience) but it will be nonstop unless you end it.
not to demonise avoidants because i know its a trauma response, but basically its all up to the anxious to do all the work, if you want things to work theres many things you can do
RECIPROCATE THEIR ENERGY
i know its hard but do all you can to remove them from your life, go non contact, it might take months but the avoidant will come back, to attempt to continue the cycle when they do this you must have your boundaries set up
SET YOUR BOUNDARIES
the avoidant might come back with something small like replying to your story, or just a simple check up. THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW IMMEDIATELY, you appreciate them checking up but let them know immediately that youre not interested in contacting them again, as friends or romantically unless they are planning to work to get better slowly, you will need to phrase this as GENTLY as possible as avoidants feel extremely attacked when they feel like theyve been told they did something wrong, they feel like theyre being rejected and it can relate back to their trauma!!!! personally i would keep it short but sweet (sbbabarina carpfuwbr)
smth like
hey i appreciate seeing you again, im going to be honest i dont feel like going back into this cycle where we start getting closer and you feel the urge or need to distance yourself, i am okay with talking with you again if you are willing to try and work with me slowly to try and break out of that cycle, but if you dont feel like you can currently or with me thats alright.
dont take it too literally cuz im still learning aswell
now if they say yes!!! yay!!!!
basically im going to keep this short but BOTH of you need to work
anxious attachment people, you need to learn that YOU ARE ENOUGH, you need to be secure in yourself, your constant need for reassurance and attention can cause you to be suffocating (coming from a recovering anxious attachment) you need to learn how to be on your own and GIVE YOUR PARTNER SPACE WHEN THEY NEED
avoidant attachment you need to try and fight the urge to run when things get too suffocating and learn to communicate WHEN you feel the urge to run,
avoidant people have a hard time letting their guard down as it can be used against them in the future, so this is for the anxious again but you need to try and gently get them to communicate how they feel, dont pressure them, dont make them feel like they have to.
USE CURIOSITY INSTEAD OF CONFRONTATION
let them know that its a safe space to express how they feel freely without any label.
instead of asking "Why do you keep pushing away?"
ask "before you start pulling away, what would you say goes on in your head?"
make it less confrontational, which can be hard for anxious attachment because they want REASONS but you will need to WORK for your reasons because some avoidant people cant explain why and they feel like theyre being attacked
say things like "hey ive noticed this pattern when things start too feel too intense i feel like you pull away, do you think thats true" dont tell them how THEYRE feeling because YOU DONT KNOW tell them what you think theyre doing (a mistake ive made many times im sorry silly boy) and it gives them room to express themselves freely
LET THEM KNOW THERE IS NO PRESSURE TO RESPOND IMMEDIATELY
example
"insert things that ive been noticing, and they make me feel unsure and i want to share them with you, no pressure to respond rn but i would like to hear if u think its fair i feel like that"
ANOTHER THING verbal love can "ick" avoidants out (i feel u) but that doesnt mean they dont want love, AVOIDANTS STILL CRAVE AND WANT LOVE theyre just scared of it, so indirect and little acts of love, like remembering something they said or liked, making them their favourite food, giving them small gifts is good
let them know that we all as people fall into patterns that protect us now but wont benefit us in the long run
AND AVOIDANTS. YOU HAVE TO DO SHIT TO. (heavily aimed if the silly guy ever returns) i apologise that was very confrontational 💔
if you truly do want things to work it will help if you attempt to notice and respond to when the other person is trying!
just the biggest thing ive got for avoidance is fight the urge to run, if it starts getting difficult again to stay, if you start feeling suffocated and trapped PLEASE TRY YOUR BEST TO COMMUNICATE IT!!! even if its just one sentence "i am feeling quite suffocated right now and i feel like things are moving fast" PLEASE TELL US, i know its so hard to get out but doing that will get you exactly what you want if the other person is WILLING TO WORK ASWELL
anxious, avoidants dont always have to be talking to you and need their space, try and be gentle and leave space for them to freely express how they feel, and dont tell them how they feel!!
avoidants, communicate as much as your able to with anxious attachment, try not to ignore them when you feel the need to run and instead let them know! recognise their attempts at trying and if you really want it to work realise that they are trying because they truly do want a long lasting connection, and people so willing to leave wouldnt put in copious amounts of effort and pain to make things work!!
it takes a lot of strength from both sides and it WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE AND FEEL WRONG but if you feel you truly have a connection with this person it is WORTH IT!!!!
sorru for the little lesson guys or whatevrt ive had a lot of free times (and i love a boy 💔💔💔 its like a curse)
message for silly boy, i really want things to work with you, other than the obvious attachment issues and a couple other things you are genuinely amazing, and i like to believe you do like me to you just dont trust me and i want to get to the point where YOU CAN because you are great and deserving of love!!!! idk if u think u arent or if ur just scared of getting hurt, but you literally told me yourself to just live in the moment, you said i overthink because i DID all i could think about was how it was gonna end, and im saying its not over until you tell me urself cuz im a persistent mf when i want smth as u KNOW and i genuinely want to work past this, doesnt even matter what we are youre just genuinely someone i know will understand me and i can trust and i want to be that for you TOO!!! i just have to hope and pray to whatever the fuck out there is listening that you truly have the strength to try, even if its not with me, one day
anyways thanks guys im so helpful and therapy and shit!!!!
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