food

i lwokey just eat even when im not hungry like why is it fun

where are things to do

ignore the blatant alex g reference

WHY IS THERE NOTHING ENTERTAINING ANYMORE

WHRRE HAS IT ALL GONE

YOUTUBES BORING

THERES NO GOOD TV SHOWS

OUTSIDE IS BORING

music is great

EVERYTHING ELSE IS BORING

ALL I CAN DO IS MINDLESSLY SCROLL THROUGH TIK TOK BUT ECEN THATS BORING

EVEGRURYEHING ISS BRORINN

notice

notice how people act when being called out for small inconsistencies

do they stay calm or do they get defensive, trying to make you seem crazy or over emotional and try to flip it back on you

it tells you a lot

on emotions

i feel so many emotions very quickly, thats why time feels like its so slow, it doesnt seem like it makes sense but it does to me

one second i can be feeling something so deeply, and then i stop and breathe for a moment and i completely switched, its like i never felt it, i say so many things in the heat of the moment, because thats how i feel at the time, i feel like i can leave forever, or i feel like i can keep trying, or i feel like i hate you, or i feel like i miss you, or i feel alone, or i feel happier than ever, all so quickly some just in the span of an hour maybe even half an hour

and i feel them so much, theyre so strong but i feel them all individually, once the feeling passes it feels like ive never felt that before, i never said the things i did, it just doesnt seem like a big deal to me and it doesnt seem real

its what causes me to say such harmful tthings to people or abandon them but also say the things i feel so deeply in my heart that i push down or the things i never have the strength to say

but once i dont feel it anymore it feels stupid, like it doesnt matter, but its still something i felt? did i feel it just because of the things happening around me or is it something i feel deeply in my heart

i think i just feel everything

i hate something so much but i can also see the beauty in it and why it can be loved so i love it so much, and its stupid i felt like i hated it before but then the next moment i hate it and its stupid i ever loved it before and it can happen for no reason whatsoever, just because time passes or because something small and insignificant happens

then i have big reactions i dont truly mean that i cant come back from

but i meant it in the moment

i felt it in the moment

so it did matter

but does it really matter if i stay in the cycle of thinking my feeling did matter and then not feeling it anymore and realising it wasnt that deep but then i feel it again and i feel the strength of the emotion i felt before and i realise i was wrong to doubt myself but then time passes and it repeats and keeps repeating

i dont know

socialisation

something i find REALLY hard is socialising, things have changed a LOT since primary but my brain hasnt learnt what everyone else has

i cannot start a single conversation and it only seems to work when im talking to people like me, the only people i really am able to talk to are the ones who are mainly silent but let me yap nonsense and add onto it themselves or just silently listen to me

its so hard now to just become friends with someone which is bad for me because i have isolated myself and made myself resent all my other friends for no reason, just the feeling that they hate me because they acted a little distant (hahah anxious attachment) and now things are SO DIFFERENT and everyone is terrifying id honestly rather be on my own than awkwardly attempt to communicate with people who i dont share interests with and who honestly bore me, i can complain about how lonely i am but honestly i chose to be like this, the people i DID like i either isolated myself during the incident or they detached from me now im on my own and i need to learn how to be and be okay with being on my own, like finding a new hobby! like this!!! this is a new hobby!!!!

come to think of it i made many bad decisions and brash decisions during the incident, its just what happens when i get attached, but if i didnt i wouldnt have gotten as far as i did, but then i wouldve hurt a whole lot less, i wonder how things wouldve been, would i have been happier? yes, was he worth it? i think he will be

i live on the hope of someones potencial, especially when theyve shown be how good they can be

SORRY WENT OFF TRACK AGAIN

one more thing...

i feel cheesy now writing all those nice notes to the little silly guy, he'll probably find it stupid but atleast i got how i feel out, even if it goes nowhere

ok ur free now

probably nothing related to

you know who

for a bit, like maybe until im sad again!! but like YAY!! ill say normal unboyrelated things thx!!!